God's Beard Is Grey

INTERLUDE: Clothes, Our Badge Of Heathenism? Part 3

Anyway, when God got back he was choked. He had been planning on eating some of his favorite fruit, but because of Eve he couldn’t, so he did the most cold-hearted shit anyone can remember him doing ever. Forcing us to wear clothes, via psychological trauma. He sat both Adam and Eve down and made fun of their bodies for hours, commenting on flaws that sometimes didn’t even exist. Eventually the trauma was rooted so deeply that the rest of humanity for centuries afterword has retained this “wear clothes” mentality, even though it reduces our dance skill. Unacceptable? Certainly, but we shouldn’t blame God, for a hungry man cannot be faulted in his anger. Nay, we should blame Satan, harbinger of nakedlessness.


That, my friends, is why we wear clothes. May your subconscious mind rest easily knowing that this is not a hurdle we cannot overcome, we must simply focus on our desire to have increased mobility and perhaps thicker body hair, and we can prevail. Already there are nude colonies all throughout the world, colonies where I suspect their dance skills are second to none. Maybe one day their utopian world will be possible, but for now we can do nothing but embrace nakedness in the privacy of our own homes, lest we be arrested for our beauty.

Follow The Truth Movement!

Alright, so far I have seven followers. That’s not bad, but I was really hoping to have about two hundred and seventy five thousand before the end of the day.

So yeah, falling a little short of that goal.

But guess what? It’s cool.

Because just like those people who run for breast cancer, we can run for God Has a Beard… and make one boy’s dream come true: mine.

But WAIT! In doing so, you’ll make your dream come true too. Because deep down isn’t everyone’s dream is to help someone else?

I’ll help the world. You’ll help me.

BAM! We BOTH save the world, and everyone gets to have a few larfs along the way.

Sound good amigos?

COMMENCE WORLDWIDE GOD HAS  A BEARD CHARITY FOLLOWER FUNDRAISER FOR THE CURE!!!

ps thanks in advance

God Has A Beard - I’ve Seen It

A lot of Christians will tell you they know God, but when you ask them what he looks like they usually have no idea. This is because most believers are the equivalent of cosmic paparazzi. They follow this dude around, write shit about him, spread his story (and family issues) ALL over the world, and then expect him to start answering their prayers and shit. Anyone else see the problem here?

Let me spell it out for you.

God is a bro. He just wants to hang out, do his thing, maybe flood and planet here and there and cause a little genocide when he gets angry. That’s it. So chill out and leave the guy alone, I mean fuck, he makes a few miracles, produces the saviour of humanity and suddenly he’s the next big thing? Well guess what assholes? He never asked for this.

Now I’ve seen God, and he has a beard. Don’t worry, I’m not some religious fanatic and I’m definitely not a cult leader, so you can rest easy knowing you’re in good hands.

WARNING: Any religious fanatics/cult leaders are strongly recommended to stop reading now, as your world is in danger of being severely rocked.

All clear? Good.

“But Jason, if God’s real how come he never answers my prayers? How come there’s so much wrong with the world? Why is my flow so heavy?”

    Alright, before we get too deep into the philosophical shit, I’ll start by answering this question right off the bat4 - what does God owe you? God created the universe with his bare hands, then he created life using nothing more than his magical powers. Then, on top of all that he made sure his bastard son was at least a virgin birth (not a simple procedure) so that he could produce the savior of humanity while staying family friendly. What have you done lately? Held open the door for some old lady? Donated to cancer research? Give me a break.

Dreams

Fact: Dreams tend to be forgotten within the first ten minutes of waking up.

Reason: Attributed to two basic factors:

• Most dreams are simply unwanted reminders that our life sucks, and will never be as good as our dream lives.
• Most dreams are not visions from God.

   
I didn’t forget my dream at all, I even remembered the numerical code coinciding with the color of God’s beard. And for those of who think I wrote it down in some bisexual¹ dream journal, get real. I just remembered it. Without even trying. There’s also this weird interference I get sometimes, like I’ll be trying to decide whether I want ice in my water or not, and I’ll get these strange thought pulses like “Yo, what’s up?” or “Spread the truth bro…” Sends shivers down my spine just thinking about it.

¹I mean, honestly, who do dream journals think they are? There are journals and there are dream logs, they do NOT need to be one thing. Pick an orientation please.

A Little Backstory

Most of you probably know dinosaurs as the gigantic reptiles whose penises far eclipsed our own, and in many cases, whose vaginas could eat us whole. What most of you probably don’t know, is that there is a lot more to dinosaurs than just colossal genitals. For instance, did you know that spelling Dinosaurs with a lower-case d is a spelling mistake as of now? I know what you’re thinking. “That’s bullshit!” But I also know what your heart is thinking “This guy is telling the truth.”

If you’re sweating hard and crying a little, don’t worry. It’s natural to be intimidated in the face of such brain-rocking information. That said, if you’re feeling dizzy, light headed, or like you could shit your pants pretty soon - STOP READING IMMEDITATELY! This is a lot of truth for a single person; we’re talking like 60mg of purified truth. To put it into perspective, the average daily intake is around 10mg. Yeah. No one is going to call you a bitch if you stop reading now, but you will probably be left out of the loop forever. Your call.

I don’t like to dance around the bush, so let’s get right into this shit.

A few nights ago I had a really messed up dream, like maximum messed up. I know sometimes we’ll dream about fighting an octopus with the head of a child, but this was way weirder than that. In fact, I have pretty substantial evidence to prove that this dream was more like a vision from God. First of all, I don’t know how many of you guys have had visions from God, but for the newbies out there I’m going to break it down for you.

In an Official Vision From God (OVG for short) you can expect to notice a few things.

1. There is usually a guy in the dream, he usually has a beard, and he is usually glowing like crazy.
2. There may be Dinosaurs in the dream, however, please note said Dinosaurs are only valid if they are speaking English. Normal non-speaking Dinosaurs (or French speaking Dinosaurs) have NOTHING to do with God.
3. There will be zero naked women in the dream. (Before you freak out, chill, it’s a vision from God… There are other nights for this).
4. You will not wake up to go to the bathroom, however, upon waking you may notice you have done so involuntarily.

All of these aspects were present in my dream. I’m not talking like one or two, I’m talking every single fucking one. If you still don’t believe me after THAT, then consider this: the glowing dude in the dream specifically requested I address him as “God”, or optionally, “The Big Cheese”.


    So there you go.

The Garden of Truth: Introductions

Before I start this I want to give out a few acknowledgments both to the people and inanimate objects who made this possible. Firstly I’d like to thank pre-made lasagna from Costco; without its easy to make wholesome goodness I would have never had the energy to write this opus of humanity. Secondly, I want to thank my word processor, Microsoft Works, because I’m too poor to afford Microsoft Word.

A big thank you also goes out to my keyboard, HP KU-0841, because even though writing in a notebook might look more intelligent, it really only works for dude’s writing poetry or some really emo shit.

I’d also like to thank my friends who have either supported or belittled my literary dreams. Those of you who supported me, thank you; you created the ego and motivation that made all of this possible. For the rest of you, thank you; you fueled the various contemptuous sections found throughout my writing, and gave the final product a bit of an edgy asshole vibe.

Thanks.